Casual Sex

Don’t be afraid of indulging in some saucy sex without commitment! It can be great fun as long as you make sure you are emotionally and physically safe.

Mind you, if you’ve ever woken up in the morning, glanced at the virtual stranger snoring next to you, and had to mentally scan the alphabet to remember the first letter of his name, chances are you’ve engaged in casual sex anyway!

Maybe you’ve met somebody who, while a far cry from Mr Right, is Mr Right On! And the two of you agree to spend some of your precious free time practising Tantric sex, while consciously avoiding coffee dates or dinners with his parents.

If you’re sexually active and single, it’s likely that you’ve indulged in a bit of wild sex that you knew, from the outset, was never going to lead to marriage. Sex without commitment can be liberating, life affirming and deliciously wicked. But it can also leave you feeling bereft, empty, or even ashamed.

Is a one-nighter worth it?
Debbie remembers having numerous lovers in her university days... mostly for less than a night and sometimes less than an hour. ‘One-night stands for me were largely about sexual gratification and were purely semimasturbatory, to be honest,’ she says. ‘In my naughtiest phase, it got to the stage when all I had to do was glance across the bar at some likely-looking lad, than sneak off to the toilet for a quickie before returning to my friends... who were none the wiser!’

Now she is in a committed relationship and a mother of two, Debbie says she doesn’t have any regrets about playing the field while she was younger, but that on some occasions, casual sex came with its own complications. ‘Sometimes I did feel a bit pressured to keep going and have sex after the first few kisses,’ she admits. ‘And once or twice I would feel a bit depressed waking up next to someone who I’d just had a particularly seedy encounter with, and feel desperate to escape!’

Single Nicky remembers three occasions where, she says: “Common sense flew out the window” and she had no-strings sex with complete strangers. “Most of the time, I felt in control, so that was fine and I can honestly say I enjoyed it. But there was one time when I spent several weeks with a guy... I knew I was falling in love with him and I felt powerless. I knew he wasn’t interested in a relationship, but I was becoming almost addicted to him, to having sex with him, and to my own fantasy world where he was in love with me. I ended up getting really hurt when it all came to an end.”

Keeping feelings in check
It’s one of life’s ironies that the biggest risks of no-strings sex is attachment... either you, or he, wants more. Sally remembers one no-strings situation that got messy. “He started talking about the next year and taking holidays together after we had had sex just a couple of times, even though I had been clear from the outset that a relationship was never going to happen.”

Is it possible for those women who enjoy casual sex also enjoy committing sexually to one partner? Newlywed Paula says she’s pleased to have experienced commitment-free sex, and that it certainly had a place in her life. “I think it’s a good idea to have a lot of lovers before you get married,” she says. “I have fabulous sexy memories of some very hot lovers from my past and I love those memories.”

Security
Your personal safety is important. Fiona remembers one scary situation where, after flirting with a guy at a club, she changed her mind about inviting him back to hers. Ego bruised and very drunk, he attempted to follow her home. Fiona managed to escape him and get into a cab, but it made her realise that she had just avoided a potentially dangerous situation. “I was about to have sex with this guy!” she says. “But he was very drunk and so was I and for some reason my instincts told me to leave him propping up the bar. Thank God! Imagine what a nutcase he might have turned out to be!”

Casual sex can go either way; it can be amazing and enjoyable, depressing or just plain dull. Before you take your chances, make sure you’re in it for the right reasons; neither you nor he has any expectations beyond sex. Be safe; use condoms and if you’re with a stranger, let someone know what you’re doing.

And if you’re not 100% sure that you’re happy with the reality of casual sex, avoid it. The last words on the subject belong to Susy who would rather stay in than go out and risk a disappointing commitment-free encounter. “In my experience,” she says, “the only sex that comes casually, with no-strings attached, requires batteries!”