Are You Missing Out On Good Sex?

If you believe all the media hype and the celebrity claims to have good sex all the time, it is enough to give you a huge inferiority complex, not to mention thinking your relationship is not all it should be.

Some pharmaceutical companies seem to believe that ‘female sexual dysfunction’ is widespread and requires medication. But how accurate is their claim?

Posh Spice and Madonna have hunks on their arms and knowing smiles that smack of saucy, eye-lid-flickering satisfaction, but for most of us, sexual perfection is quite a tall order (aka everybody’s-bang-at-it surveys, young women’s magazines, hot movies and inspirational, sexy hit songs...) and worrying about how well we slot in to the hierarchical, sexual human race is surprisingly common.

Men have used Viagra for treating male erectile dysfunction for many years now with amazing success. Now female sexual dysfunction or ‘FSD’ is, controversially, being flagged by a growing number of pharmaceutical companies intent on offering women who are worried about their sex lives a female Viagra-style pill. Statistics arguably now say a staggering 43% of women have FSD. Almost half of us?

There is no doubt that while erections are clearly sometimes a pharmacological issue for men, not all experts agree that women’s sexual problems are a similar, simplistic medical condition, essentially relating to blood flow, which can be corrected by popping a magic, cure-all pill. So, worriers, hang fire.

For women, healthy sexual functioning simply means painfree, good-quality sex that you enjoy in a quantity you feel comfortable with. You don’t have to be out on the pull every night to know that you don’t have FSD. If you’re not in distress, it’s cool. You don’t have to feel the earth move every time, or swing from the chandeliers!

FSD relates to difficulties in four possible areas: sexual motivation (such as interest and desire), arousal, orgasm and sex pain disorder, but they are often inter-linked. Apparently, the biggest category is the first. But the thinking now is that women are not motivated because they’re not getting aroused and that, in turn, is an indicator that something is not working for you in the relationship.

Men tend to start off being sensitive and concerned and making a big effort and then seem to drift, get casual, careless, neglectful. Of course, both partners can drift, but women who are emotionally and physically neglected are much more at risk of not wanting sex.

You will not be surprised to know that most arousal difficulties are directly down to the fact that the relationship is not healthy. Many women are in threatening, hostile or unhappy relationships, which is a great turn-off and a sure sign that this man is not good for you. Try to educate your man to constantly nurture and pay you attention. It makes a huge difference and is not something that can be knocked out by a pill. Either he listens to you and changes, or you need to find somebody else!

A top psychologist and sex expert is quoted as saying, “We’re being pushed more and more to say it’s all physiological when actually very few women actually have a physical problem. They’ve got a problem around lack of support, childcare, tiredness, their partner’s and their own ignorance about their body. Most women worry unnecessarily. They just have a busy life! You only need to worry about the problem being clinical if you’ve got plenty of time to yourself, get on with your partner, enjoy your job but still don’t want sex.”

The age-old remedies often work the best. Try investing in a babysitter/hotel room, candle-lit, scented bath and some champagne-loosened communication before getting ‘dysfunctional’ stuck on your forehead on a doctor’s post-it note or taking tablets that won’t address the issues. Take responsibility for your own orgasms if you have difficulties practise alone and bring yourself to climax when your partner just isn’t hitting the right groove. He’ll love watching that, anyway!

If your problem genuinely stems from socio-cultural, political, economic, educational, emotional, abuse/trauma or psychological issues, then being aware and spelling these out can really help. For example, were you brought up to believe sex was wrong, dirty or just for your partner’s pleasure? Are you scared of catching an STD? Your GP can refer you to a specialist to help work through these specific concerns.

If you experience pain or discomfort during sex, please do go to your doctor. Muscle-spasm issues (even nonconsummation), STDs, lubrication, medication side effects, and displacement of the cervix can all be successfully treated, however overwhelmed and frightened you may feel now. Remember, the joy is worth it, just look at any happy honeymooner’s brilliant smile!

However, never forget that lots of hugs and cuddles can be just as satisfying as multiple organisms and all-night sex, with the right person and a lot less exhausting!