Child Free Couples, Why It's OK to say no

Are you one of those women who don’t really like kids? Or does your man not want his life-style altered by nappies, school fees and long nights of love?

It’s never been in my life plan to want kids. I can't really say why, I only know that I've never experienced the emotional tug that many of my friends seemed to have hardwired into them from day one. It's the kind of ambivalence that is common in many women I know. But while some of those women have gone on to raise families, why is it that others, like myself, have remained resolutely childfree?

Of course, it made it easier that I fell in love with and married someone who felt the same about (not) having a family as me, but things don't always run so smoothly.
Debbie (32), warned her husband about her feelings before they married: “I suggested to him that if he really wanted children, maybe he should marry somebody else,” she says, “He wanted to be with me, but it's an issue that still comes up. He wants children and I don't, I've got four nieces and I love taking them for the weekend and doing things with them. But I'm always glad to say, 'ok, off you go home now’.''

But the decision to remain childless isn’t always led by the woman. Sophie has been with Bob for four years. With a child from a previous relationship, Sophie has always known that her partner had no plans to extend his family. This was fine until a year or so ago, when it seemed that all her girlfriends were having children. “I panicked and began questioning whether I was missing out,” she says. However, when Bob refused to budge on his decision, the pair almost split. “Now I've reconciled myself to the idea that if I want to stay with Bob I will remain childless,” Sophie says “Which, I've happily realised, is actually fine. In a way I'm grateful that he was so insistent on sticking to his guns. It's made me really think about what I want rather than what I thought I should do.”

It’s becoming an out of date idea that all women are 'supposed' to want to have children. However, ideas are slow to change with a great swathe of the population and it is still pretty much ingrained in our collective psyche. As is the notion of women who don't want children of their own, not liking children in general.

Not having kids definitely opens up other areas of your life. As 34-year-old Gerry points out: “'whenever anyone asks me how it is that Tom and I can afford to go on so many holidays, I always reply 'because we don't have kids. And it's true; we have the lifestyle we do because we're childless.”

And the rewards are not only material. Couples unfettered by both the joys and tribulations of children are able to invest much more time into their relationship with one another. “Having children 'changes the dynamics of the relationship,” says Gilly. “A friend of mine who always had the most wonderful relationship with her partner is now feeling like she's got two kids. The minute the baby came along he started to play up and they've been very rocky. The focus completely shifts. You're not number one anymore. The baby is; and it's got to be that way.”

Women who are childfree by choice seem to be acutely aware of what they would be 'giving up' by starting a family, leading to the accusations of selfishness that are at the crux of the debate between the hardliners of those who don't want to have children and those who think that they should.
 
This is an accusation that can work both ways. Take 45-year-old Stella who, although she always wanted a baby didn't want to raise a child alone. “It's old-fashioned,” she smiles, “but I believe that a child should at least start out with both a mum and a dad.” Or Samantha, 38, who despite never wanting children, recently found herself wavering in this belief.  “A couple of years ago Ian’s best friend was killed in an accident,” she explains. “I suddenly realised that if I lost him, there'd be nothing of him left and that really shook me. But ultimately I don't believe that my wanting some sort of insurance policy against losing Ian is reason enough for us to have a child.”

All of which illustrates that for those of us who say no, the decision is every bit as considered, if not more so, as it is for those who say yes. So don’t be bulldozed into having kids if you are really not the maternal type. Some of us don’t like children much at all, or just enjoy our friends and relations kids from time to time. We are all different and it’s no shame to be honest about your views.