Is He Phobic About Commitment?

Have you ever tried to get a confirmed bachelor to settle down to a life with you, whether it meant marriage or simply living together?

The commitment-phobia has never seemed so high profile. Once the preserve of swinging bachelors and the odd Bohemian spinster, now more and more of us are finding ourselves in relationships where, long term, we want very different things. So how do you cope (or compromise) when your idea of happy-ever-after hinges on saying, 'I do,' but those very same words bring your beloved out in a rash?

Objective views

Many of us have life-plans, which include the type of education we want to achieve, the career path we plan to follow and the long-term relationship we envision for ourselves, but these plans are often prone to heavy outside influence. The expectations of our parents and our peer group can have a lot of power over what we think we want.

The community in which we live and operate can have a profound effect on our lives and loves. If all your friends and colleagues have recently married or are living with their partners, then obviously it's going to mean something more to you than if you've been brought up in a less structured way.

Now, here is the rub. You have to be able to see beyond the vision of what you thought would happen and to be able to look objectively at the reality of your situation. Ask yourself why you're so upset. Could it be that you're grieving for a part of your dream future that you now

worry will never be fulfilled, or does your love for him mean that your dream is open to adaptation? By successfully separating your expectations from what really makes you happy, you could discover that what you both want isn't so different after all.

The clever way is to see beyond the vision of what you thought would happen and to be able to look objectively at the reality of your situation as it is today.

The M-word

Our actions can be propelled by our fear. Just as you might surmise that your partner freaking out every time the M- word's mentioned is down to his fear of commitment, so it could be that fear (of losing him, of an unspoken lack of trust) is what's driving your desire to wed. Uncertainty fuels fear in everyone, so you must tackle the problem head-on.

Talk honestly with one another about your relationship and your fears you might find that your preconceived assumptions about one another's behaviour (that he's afraid of commitment; that you want to tie him down) are not actually true. Perhaps you'll get the reassurance you need that he wants to be with you. Even if it does reinforce what you're already thinking, knowing where you stand puts you both in a far better position to make an informed choice about what to do next. Knowledge is power and power is a force for good.

Is marriage really necessary today?

Pose the vital question to yourself: why is marriage so important to you? the 'Holy State' isn't the social necessity it once was, so family and peer pressure aside why is it so important to you? Consider what commitment means to you it's as much about your understanding of it as his. If he's constantly letting you down and can't even commit to dinner and drinks a week on Tuesday, marching him up the aisle isn't necessarily going to prove - or change - anything. Ask yourself what you're expecting from a marriage. How much more committed is that person going to be if you're married as opposed to not being so and would living together not be just as good an idea, at least for a while?

Compromise is no bad thing

There is simply no point in trying to use trickery or emotional blackmail to force someone into doing something they don't want to do, but by talking openly you might find a solution that suits you both. Relationships cannot survive without making adjustments for one another's needs, desires and even fears. Are you willing or can you find fulfilling commitment in something else (buying a home together or starting a family, say)? Remember, this is a two-way street. Compromise means giving on both parts. It doesn't mean you giving up all your ideals. No two people want the same thing at the same time. Unfortunately, we are all born with some dreams and aspirations which we don't want to leave behind. Too much giving by one partner is a recipe for disaster and the one who constantly gives way will feel downtrodden and unhappy. But that does not mean you cannot meet the love of your life half way. Compromise can be the answer.