Single Vs Married

Today more and more people are avoiding marriage; divorcing or choosing to live alone, so is one state is really better than the other?

Numerous surveys have been carried out to prove that singles are happier, or that couples have a longer life expectancy. Uncovering the secrets of human happiness has become one of the key agendas for psychologists and governments.

There are nearly four times as many people living alone in Britain today than there were 50 years ago. There are also tens of thousands of people living alone in the world; many more than there are living in nuclear families. As cultural perceptions shift, so do our expectations of coupledom and solitude. Meanwhile, as divorce rates rise, and the twoparent family declines, the traditional view of marriage as the most desirable state has been thrown into question.

One positive outcome is that being single and proud has finally been accepted as a viable life choice. The downside is that many of us feel more confused than ever. On the one hand there is the idealised life of the carefree, independent woman, yet we still grow up conditioned by fairytales, classic novels and Hollywood movies to believe that ‘happy ever after’ means happily married. So is there an answer to this uniquely modern debate? Which is better for your long-term happiness and mental health, being single or being part of a couple?

Recent research suggests that single women enjoy themselves and cope better psychologically than single men. Women who remain single throughout most of their lives display good mental health compared to married women, while the happiness gap between single and married men is much more pronounced. Yet women were more adversely affected by moving in and out of several relationships, leading some researchers to speculate that single women are happiest if they stay single, rather than if they have many short-term relationships.

The majority of research has found that, for both men and women, the most beneficial state in terms of physical and psychological wellbeing, financial gain and longevity is marriage. It would seem that the love, security and unconditional support of a long-term relationship is good for us. When our partner becomes happier through something that does not affect our own happiness directly (a good day at work, for example), then we also become happier too (merely because he is happier with his life). The effects do not seem to vary with age or gender.

However, studies have also found that cohabiting couples do not seem to reap the same benefits as married couples. One theory is that optimistic people tend to marry, people who would have better physical and psychological health anyway. Another is that the difference lies in the tangible security offered by a marriage certificate.

It seems we all need people to take an interest in us, to look after us and to keep us in mind. We need to feel we are the most important person to at least one other person. Research is now hoping to uncover whether single people can get the same level of attachment from a close friend, or group of friends, as a couple can get from each other.

The important thing is not whether you actually possess what psychologist’s call a ‘central relationship’, but how healthily you relate to that person, or to being single, in your own mind. It is perfectly possible to feel alone in a marriage, and fulfilled when single: neither the state of togetherness or that of solitude guarantees happiness. How you interpret the situation is key.

Melanie, 38, says her friends would call her ‘happily married’, but admits that she doesn’t always feel that way. “When my husband is around I feel like we’re a contented, secure couple. But he goes away on business for weeks on end, leaving me feeling frustrated and lonely. Sometimes I wonder whether the good times outweigh the bad.”

Research has shown that the positive thing about relationships is that they tend to give us a safe base from which to explore the rest of the world. Single people usually don’t have this. When they do, by cultivating a select network of friends, it is a real fight for them to maintain the secure structure that automatically exists in a stable couple. Single people can create substitute situations, but they have to work at it constantly.

However, all people in relationships are not, by definition, happier than singles. Being in the wrong couple can destroy your sense of security, especially if you’re in a frustrating relationship where you are always seeking and not getting.

A key psychological definition of happiness is a willingness to explore life, to maintain curiosity and be alive to new experiences. While single life allows greater freedom to do this, a long-term, doubt-free relationship gives many people a level of confidence and openness to life they may otherwise lack. Perhaps we should focus not on what we lack, but on what we can gain from the situation we find ourselves in?